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February 03 aarlena was here ;)
We've decided to stay home this weekend. Part of me had wanted to go to the cabin, yet another part of me, didn't exactly mind staying home either. So, whatever...I don't really care.
 Mom's supposed to drop off the hundred dollars here to me, so that we can include it with the rest of our rent money. She's gonna do that before she departs for the cabin for the week.
Phillip had told me that all he's worried about is having the rent paid on time. As he just wants to continue to have a roof over his head. And have a place to live. I agree with that, however...I'm more concerned about paying off the remainder of the light bill, at the moment. If we could finally get that bullshit out of the way, then that would take alot of the stressful weight off of my mind. *Sigh.* Anyway...I think that's all for now. Just wanted to update. I can tell that I really do love to write in this thing of my beloved diary, as whenever it seems that I won't really have an opportunity to update it, then moodiness tends to threaten to arise within me. And then, when I am granted that opportunity then...some of the moodiness tends to subside somewhat. I don't know by...it's weird. I'll give ya that much. Lol. :) But I LOVE my diary...so I won't give myself too much of a hard time for being so dedicated and devoted to it. :)   Hell. What a bloody day. I don't really know where to start.
At the beginning is a good place, I guess. So I get up this morning and it is like icy cold. So I don't have the nerve to wear the little polka dot skirt and bright purple vest I had planned on wearing. I put on my Jimi Hendrix cashmere jumper, boots and black skinny jeand instead. I look reasonably hot. Classily hot (unlike my other outfit!). I get in the car, bleary eyed because I was pondering what would happen today all night. It is pouring with rain. I worry for my hair. I go to the bathroom, check where I am sitting and eventually go to the exam room. L is sitting on the floor on his own. He looks utterly miserable. I BEAM at him like hell and sit down opposite him. He doesn't seem to have noticed me (there is a reason for this, that will become apparent later...). We go in, I am totally gutted that I got blanked. I figure something must have happened and I'm worried for him. I get calmly absorbed in the exam. I know it doesn't matter so I somehow remain calm. About an hour in L gets up, whispers to one of the examiners and walks out of the room. I totally freak out. Where has he gone? Why has he gone?      I figure he must have finished early. Or maybe one of his parents was sick and he was on a phone alert? I didn''t know. I try to refocus (after what seems like hours of staring blankly at my paper wondering what is wrong). An hour later I suddenly realise I need the bathroom. The first time this has ever happened to me in an exam. The receptionist ushers me there and sympathises - it is a three hour exam, after all. I go back and finish my paper. Feel that I did quite well under the circumstances. I walk out of the exam hall and he - he's there again. He walks off in the opposite direction of the train station with a male friend. I walk down the hill in the pouring rain. I keep cursing my stupidity - he obviously didn't like me. I get down to the train station and stand there for approximately 5 minutes... ...and then he's there... "Hey Katt..." He zooms in on me and starts chatting to me. One of his best friends died yesterday. He was driving whilst he was drunk and had smashed into a wall 200 metres from his house. I feel instantly crushed. He looks so vulnerable and I just want to lean over and hug him but I don't feel like we are at that stage yet. Doesn't stop me wanting to though. He tells me all about his friend, how gutted he feels. How he doesn't know what to do with himself. How gutted he feels that he'll be in Costa Rica for the funeral. How horrified he felt at having to call and let other people know. And I feel like I'm finally learning about him. Whenever we talk I seem to get verbal diarrhoea and talk about all kinds of crap. He knows that my cousin and I get in huge battles at Christmas over winning games. He knows about my childhood and where I grew up. The stupid, little things.       The things I don't know about him (Boy, I really should start writing fiction! I feel so intensely overwhelmed by all this but even I can see that my writing is SO overdramatic) We stand up together on the train. I rest my head on one of the poles and I look up and he's doing it too. I keep my eyes fixed on his face most of the time. His eyeline keeps dipping to my stomach from my eyes. I knew he'd like the Jimi Hendrix jumper. He loves Jimi Hendrix. He asks me where I live. And I tease him about not being able to drive. We talk about his friend a lot. I wanted to hug him so badly. We get off the train and I say 'It does get better, I promise.' We get to the top of the stairs and he says 'See you around'. I really hope I do. The plan was to invite him out with me and Grebo for lunch. Which would have been wholly inappropriate. But the thing is, if he hadn't been totally wrecked? I felt like I could have done it. And I felt like he would have come. Which is a significant improvement. And that was it. Grebo isn't in town yet so I walk round the shopping centre in a big fat circle three times. I get a baguette that I struggle to eat because my throat has clogged up. I meet up with Grebo. She has a straight-guy-who-has-gay-mannerisms with her. Lets call him T. Grebo and I walk round the shops, pointing out things we like for each other (we always do this in a totally sarcastic way - Grebo hates pink so I pick out frilly pink diamante vests for her and she picks out tacky crap for me). T so did not get it. But then he caught on. Twas funny. It is weird but I always seem to get the straight-guys-with-gay-mannerisms intrigued by me. It is most odd. And Grebo didn't tell him that my name isn't really Gwen, that's just what she calls me. So he was calling me Gwen too.        
Ha ha.
We have a lot of fun, despite my somber mood, and I buy a top because the sun has suddenly come out and my cashmere is making me sweat like hell. I step outside, basking in the sunlight in my new vest top. That's when the torrential rain starts. Ha. Grebo goes home and I sit at the station with the paper. A guy with a bunny boiler for a girlfriend come and sits on the bench on the side of me. She is all over him, kissing him and being all....'cutesy', but not in a good way. She goes 'What's wrong?' at his blank expression. Little girl (she spoke like a little girl), the thing that is 'wrong' is that your boyfriend is staring at my cleavage. That's why he 'has a blank expression'.  
                                           
               
      
      
        THX a bunch , Antonio. i appreciate it  
                                 -[BEST BUDIESS]-
  
             
             I felt cheesed off with him but then I thought, well, if I was with her I would be inclined to look elsewhere too. But he really should let her down gently. Rather than blatantly stare at other girls. She looked like that girl from Mean Girls who turns up when Damian shouts 'She doesn't even go to this school.' because she is talking about making a cake with rainbows or some other crap. My mother realises something is wrong. My lips remain zipped. The guy she works with has had a nervous breakdown. He is not in a good state. I come home and go on myspace. Emilie has declared herself a lesbian. If that means she keeps her hands off L then I'm most happy. Not convinced though, personally. Gah! So close. And now I wish I had hugged him. It's like that day when I wanted to lean over and kiss his eyelids. He just looked so vulnerable... And the terrible thing now is I still don't know where I stand. When I was walking down the hill on my own in the rain I had given up. But at the train station he walked right over to me. Like he knew he had to talk to me. And we properly talked, he asked me if anyone close to me had ever died I told him about them. And I listened to him when he needed me.   
     A love that dare not speak its name
Though we only wish we could scream it So that all could hear and see If only we could, our love, like the Tree of Knowledge What was it that we were not to know? That love knows not distance Not age, not time Not race, nor religion None of those superficialities People can not tell me what love knows, only what they think What love is, or should be, according to them Love is the infatuation, the crush, the attraction The dream and the nightmare entwined The stinging tears of sorrow and regret, and of joy What matters and doesn't matter, confused and sensible Like we, secret lovers. No one would understand They can not get past the outside, the obvious They couldn't possibly ever know that we never intended anything to happen That we could not control the world around us, or the hidden desires that overcame us They who would call us wrong that had us hypnotized, suppression fails Even though you secretly never wanted to suppress me Opening your arms you let me into your heart Where I roam my days, and nights beside you in your dreams The dreams you say you cannot remember, and how you wish they would return I have written this for you, and safeguarded your name No one will know it, not yet, they only will be jealous of you To know that my love belongs solely to you and to no one else The final needed assurance that you do, and will always matter, no matter how sad I am one day It is only for one day, maybe two, not forever, and it will never overtake my love for you I love the way your eyes look at me, I imagine the smile you would have looking at me You never smile for anyone else, and I have never seen that smile I am convinced is from an angel  I love being loved, being wanted and needed Being the only one that can always make you smile and laugh The way you wish I were there at night to hold and kiss you while you sleep Sometimes I dream about that, no matter how simple it seems
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